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Posts Tagged ‘jokes’

A Light Affair

In Comedy, Griot, News, Self Improvement on March 9, 2020 at 4:30 am

traffic-green-light.jpg

The weekend was great: Friday felt V.I.P. special,
Saturday was kind and Sunday smacked the devil.

What more could you want? Please do say.
I’ve got a few funnies to share on this Monday.

Care you to comprehend? Lean in close.
I don’t want to print too loudly and pull anyone’s goat.
You know?

Below are a few
hardy-hars & yoo-hoo’s
that I’d like you to give a looksy to.
A little abdominal agitation is good for you.

What do you mean “Who’s going around laughing-it-up these days?”
As long as God gifts me with life I’m making jokes out of melee.
Let’s laugh at self a little. Eh?

February came and went quickly; love quickened the day but did it glow?
Many were proposed to and many said no, too; thus our first joke:
I-love-you-joke

Speaking of “proposal’s,” I had to compose one last night
for a multimedia client whose in the market for a website.

I was bar none when composing the user experience and shopping for interface.
I spent hours & hours with no sour; time flies when your work is your play.

Joke_Old-Age

Gamification is the way.
Remember when we found fun in everything, yesterday?

If you’re reading this piece, you have got to look back and laugh —
at how God has delivered you; you used to be bad.

I’m kidding. No you weren’t. Really. You were not.
Mucous is an endearing fluid – that’s why mom calls you “a snot.”
Because “bad,” — you were not.

I have enjoyed every birthday that has delivered me to:
being grown and doing what I want to do.

So,

Joke_Dirty-offer.jpgAfter all, I am of age and it’s Monday, too.
The kids are not looking;  it’s just me and you.

Lean in close I’ve been reading folks texts —
and this dude just admitted to crying after sex?Joke-Male-Sex-Tendencies.png

I didn’t make it up. I just shared.
I asked for your permission first, because I care.

I care so much that I would at least stick around until the sun rips the scene. And because I’m from the South, I’ll rise and cook everything.

Nothing wrong with it. I just like to admit it.

Speaking of sunrises, I’m trying to get out of this house before the suns rise but not before kicking it with you over smiles on life and tell you that “you stay on my mind and are always a muse for me when I’m on my grind.”

Having said as much I have to run. Do take care.
I’m Qui
Let’s make this day A Light Affair.

smile-silence_relation.jpg

My Senses Told Me

In Comedy, Griot, News, Self Improvement on January 29, 2020 at 5:45 pm

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

traffic-road-highway-signs.jpg

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

How are your senses: Touch, sight, hearing, smell, and taste?
Notice each body-part is on, around or has access to your face. 😛

‘Makes sense that everything’s within intimate reach if you want to sense it.
You can probably have a bite of it — right after you rinse it.

Assuming it’s fresh fruit.
The smell and taste is comparable to youth.

Fruit is only good in it’s youth,
though it shines best being digested by you.

Why eat fruit?
The ingredients are true.

There are all sorts of things that you can sense, smell, and taste,
but you may not want them in your face:
butt-cheek-joke.jpg

You get my drift…then again, a drift is what you want to miss indeed.
Use the nose for flowers, Mom’s cooking or Snoop’s weed.

Use your sense of touch (handsy-fill-up) on some fresh fruit and/or your mate.
Don’t have either on hand? Go grocery shopping and pick-up a date.

Single people love to hangout at the grocery store – it’s true.
Roll thru with a basket on aisle 8 and see what it do.

Your intuition is a sense, though it’s not near your face.
Your intuition will keep you on-point and generally safe.

Ladies: roll down the aisle exhibiting grace.
Men: be on the lookout; use the senses on your face.

When you see or smell an attraction coming
get near the subject and start to humming.

Okay, wait! That may not be the best way to score —
unless you’re into security and a show to the door.

butt-cheek-joke2.jpeg

Then again, I am not your intuition; I am not that sense.
I am your melanin sister with blonde hair who can be a little dense

when it comes to telling you how to pick up dates.
Your five senses will pull you through…be sure to pray.

I don’t want you out there being insensitive on any day.
If you piss someone off, have a joke on hand to say:

Okay, have one or two.
If the first doesn’t work – this one will do:

Word-Savvy

Is buttcheeks one word?

Or should I  s p r e a d  them?

Are you smiling now? Good. So I’ll make this quick:
Get in touch with your senses; smell, touch, and lick

every thing that you see, including that desired person near.
Get them alone in a room and make sure that the coast is clear.

With ears on alert the footsteps of others – you’ll be keen to hear –
then express your senses more, i.e., a consensual sear.
What do you say dear?

The evening is nigh and My Senses told me that you needed a change in vibe,
I’m Qui
Infecting your senses via the write. Thank you for being sensitive and stopping by.

What the L

In Communication, Griot, Networking, Self Improvement on December 16, 2019 at 4:48 am

what-the-L-qe

Good morning good people, take a hit and pass
I’m not on a mission about dissin’ – I’m all about the laugh.

Reality is running rampart, may comedy dispel,
and this little segment is something I like to call:

What The L!!

No this little ‘spit out’ has nothing to do with Samuel L,
but the fact that his pic came up on the research – was funny as hell.

Please don’t forget to laugh for a spell whilst you’re on your grind.
If there’s nothing around to invoke ‘the clown,’ laugh at your own behind.

I laugh at me all of the time.
I’m quite the clutz when I’m not in rhyme.

Not immune to falling down in public, though I’m quick to get up.
My fitness game is hardly lame, I fall and get up to keep my abs cut!

Now who’s laughing at whom?
Like I said, if I laugh at me – you know I’m-a laugh at you.

So go ‘head and do what you do. Look in the mirror and laugh
Life is only what you make it – less offense – more goofy gas.

.
divider1

Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”  [ref. source: laughfactory.com]

Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do 
Web design.

Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook?
Me: Oh, very easy.
Friend: He doesn’t mean to make 
a Facebook profile. He means to 
remake all of Facebook.
Me: Oh. Very hard.
Father: Oh, OK.
[ref. source: readersdigest.com – credit to: clientsfromhell.net]

tissue-toilet-paper-joke Q. What does Santa like to do in the garden?
A. Hoe, hoe, hoe!

Q: What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A: Holly Davidson.

Q: What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
A: Saint Nickel-less.

Q: Why don’t aliens celebrate Chistmas?
A: Because they don’t want to give away their presence.
[ref. source: funology.com]

Grown Party Humor::

Q: What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?flower-pollenating-sex-joke
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q: What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
A: One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
A: He only comes once a year.
[ref. source: thoughtcatalog.com]

happy divider

It’s a new week, beloved.  Yes, here we go again.
Festivus is coming; it’s time to mingle with more fam & friends.

Good memories are made when you’re hanging with loving folks –
plus I have just armed you with a good array of jokes.

What the L! All is swell – use them and don’t be shy!
But only if you want to be the absolute parties delight!

Alright, some of these jokes are a little risque and some a tad bit strong,
I’m Qui
and they’re all good to me. When dealing jokes – you really can’t go wrong.

What The L!

LAUGH BREAK

In Comedy, Communication, Griot, News, Self Improvement on November 19, 2019 at 9:31 am

Michael Jordan LAUGHTER.gif

We do a lot of things naturally, like expend and take-in copious amounts of energy.
If I didn’t break up the concentration of no-flux, what kind of friend would I be?

Reading is fundamental and is an activity that I enjoy best.
Good jokes appeal to me; I find them in the READERS DIGEST.

The world needs more smiles and less “do I still look happy” fakes.
If you reflect the latter of the two – please genuinely enjoy this LAUGH BREAK:

Karma

Scrabble

Fonts-at-the-bar

Controlling-Joke

Scared-Mathmetician

ADD it UP.
Laughter is good for the heart; Laugher is good for the gut.

Partake in a laugh or two, we really need three or four,
I’m Qui
Good morning to thee, show “smile-less” to the door.

There’s no reason to harbor it anymore – for goodness sake.
So never mind what thoughts plague your mind, let’s all take a LAUGH BREAK.

Will-Ferrel_Laughs-as-Ron-Burgandy.gif

Today is a good day to

What’s Been Missing? The GAS.

In Comedy, Communication, Griot, Networking, Self Improvement, TV Shows, Video on June 7, 2017 at 5:10 am

no-passing-gas.jpgI’m not a big bean fan, but I like to a eat a few
And you know about the musicals – what they make you do.
Toot-Toot!
They go in and run-through.

But that’s not The GAS that I’m Missing today,
I’m missing the gas of comedy. Where have the goods gone away?

I’m tired of laughing at our country. We’re the butted laugh dump 
of international jokes. The world jester is our card-of -trump.

Hardy-ho-hump! That man is not funny to me in any way.
I used to dig being first in the world. Folks loved the USA.

I know things will get better and I pray we won’t go for broke,
Though in the meantime I’m gonna insert a few more jokes

Because folks really and truly need it.
You reap what you sew?
So you know I gotta seed it.
I cut and pasted quite these, so you could read it:

Kevin Hart said
kevin-hart-2017.jpgConsidering a night of EXTACY benefits?
“You know what, I need to get my lady back. This is what I do. ‘Babe, I got an idea to get the spark back in our relationship. We should both take ecstasy one time….It’s going to make us talk, we’re going to have sex, it’s going to be the best.’ She said fine. She takes the pill. Her pill gives her all the right reactions. I take the pill. My pill made me believe that I was a drug dealer….We were talking, she was like, ‘Babe, I just want to be happy. I just want the disrespect to stop.’ ‘Let me tell you something, you’re worried about disrespect? What you need to worry about is how I’m going to deliver this kilo of cocaine to (expletive) Pablo….Where do you think I get all this money from? Jokes?…You think I’m out here making funny money? (Expletive), I’m in the game, I’m out here in the (expletive) streets.'”

It happened so quick… he forgot
“It’s my mom’s funeral. I’m on the right side, I’ve got the casket….I’m crying, I’m a mess….My dad see me crying, my dad stood up, punched me in the back of the head. ‘Man up. She gone.’ I forgot where I was, I threw the casket.”

Bedroom consensual violence & silence
“Here’s the thing with talking dirty. I can say dirty (expletive), I just don’t like it when you say stuff back, ’cause when you say stuff back, then I’ve got to say something back to what you said. It’s too much. Shut up….’Yeah, you like this (expletive), don’t you?’ ‘Oh, what do I like about it?’ ‘I don’t know. I didn’t expect you to say what you said when you said it. I thought you were going to let me keep going ’cause I got some other stuff I wanted to say.'”

I remember watching DEF COMEDY JAM when Hamburger said…

I like the freedom of bedroom talk by the comics.
So let’s agree besides the laughter, the provocativeness is missed.

cedric-the-entertainer-2017.jpgBut I am not done pumping gas, I want to talk about a few more that make us laugh, like Cedric The Entertainer. He’s got a side-splitting NETFLIX show going on. You can laugh-out-loud at the trailer HERE – Cedric is going strong. Cracking on family is fair game, not wrong.

We’re not laughing enough good people! Thus I’m doing my best. I got up this morning giggling and yawning out here in the Southwest. I’d love to be a fly at Chris Rocks desk. He’s a crack ‘em up character too. I went on the hunt to see what the funny sir is doing at 52 and found THIS review.

chris-rock-52yrs-old.jpgHe’s a natural comedian, I think his style is best
and while ‘Whole Foods isn’t a racist store – the $7 oranges say: YES!’

Click the link and read Chris’ work in context and then laugh until you pass gas.

You deserve it.
Be silent so that no one heard it.
Or laugh much louder
if you choose to thunder shower.

GAS. It’s up to you.

Today is hump day and I’m humping “the laugh.”
I’m a little full of air, but won’t be passing gas.
I will however give yesterdays laugh a little more dap
As I close this out with the legendary Bernie Mac…

I ain’t scared of them mothers either, I stare ‘em down and laugh,
I’m Qui
Happy Hump Day baby, What’s Been Missing is The GAS.

Pump some of this and look for more at a comedy house near you.
Life is too short to survive on food, water and the news.

LAUGH,
YOU

An End and a Begin

In Comedy, Communication, Music, Networking, News, Self Improvement, Video on May 19, 2017 at 4:03 am

weekend-party.jpgYesterday came and yesterday went
and all the while my time was spent

running the streets going to and fro
to finalize the affairs of a man named Joe.

Joe is MY DAD, some folks called him Redd,
it’s because he had freckles and flaming hair on his head.

Had he lived to see June 27th, he would have been 70.
Today we’ll memorialize a man that meant the world to me…

Much happier will be I after this huge moment of closure indeed.
After the veteran send off, we’ll congregate among ourselves and delve in the feed.

Comfort food.

We’ll laugh and talk, give dap and hugs.
We’ll likely run through many familial stories of love.

And then it’s on to healing and living well. I’m just a few years past 40.
Life is at hand, enjoy the lay of the land; and always remember to party.

Feeling stuccato? Drop some E40:

After the party, ol’ Saturday morning will roll in sweet
and I’ll brave a smile before the floor shall meet my feet

Because I’m alive, I have the activity of my limbs and all is well.
God bless the family of the late Roger Ailes.

The FOX NEWS giant was doing fine just in the Summer of last year
when a forced resignation is all that the Murdock sons would hear.

Not to rehash old news but he was let go,
post allegations of sexual harassment when female employees said ‘NO.’

My, oh, satellite news has been popping beyond Pennsylvania Av
— none of which is okay, or poised to make us laugh.

So on a lighter note
for you, I have a joke:

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look malex-baldwin-pillow-cover-laugh.gifate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years”.

Anytime is a good time to start something new & productive in life,
I’m Qui
The day is yours, take the opportunity to soar and smile while you’re covering the miles.

Hindsight will prove it all worthwhile.

.end-and-begin-life.jpg

Laugh Lines

In Comedy, Communication, Networking, News, Qui Audio Byte on March 31, 2017 at 2:52 pm

Life can be serious and often, not so kind,
so when I can, I gracefully yield to making new Laugh Lines:

Two elderly women were out for a Sunday drive in a large car and both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light”. After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through, and she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!” Mildred turned to her and said “Oh, am I driving?”

mickey_laughing-j95

divider1

Flying like Harrison Ford
harrison-fordAn airplane pilot had had a particularly difficult flight and a rough landing. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a “Thanks for riding Royal Airlines.” But, in light of his bad landing, the pilot had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no, Ma’am,” replied the pilot,” “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?” 🙂
divider blk_south

Never mind satellite news today – tomorrow it will ramp up more.
For now, dowse out “suspicion” with this next J/K score:

no-firesA lady was complaining to her husband about remodeling her kitchen. “You have been telling me you were going to get me new cabinets for ten years!” said the wife. “They are a luxury and the ones we have are fine.” the husband replied. The next day the wife goes to visit her mother for two weeks. When she returns she is overjoyed to see a brand new kitchen waiting for her. She was so thrilled that every night when the husband got home she would have his favorite meal on the table and after dinner she would rub his feet as he read the paper in the recliner. A couple of weeks later a neighbor came by for a visit. After admiring the new cabinets she says, “All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the Kitchen.”

The last joke has so many “issues with it,” that I don’t know where to begin…crazy-smileyface
Let’s just say I’m glad the husband scored and no other square footage was singed.

.

Aw. It’s okay to laugh every now and again… actually, as much as you can, Boo.
I’m Qui
Hello to thee:
laughter-pill

What the L

In Communication, Griot, Networking, Self Improvement on December 11, 2015 at 8:00 am

what-the-L-qe

Good morning good people, take a hit and pass
I’m not on a mission about dissin’ – I’m all about the laugh.

Reality is running rampart, may comedy dispel,
and this little segment is something I like to call:

What The L!!

No this little ‘spit out’ has nothing to do with Samuel L,
but the fact that his pic came up on the research – was funny as hell.

Please don’t forget to laugh for a spell whilst you’re on your grind.
If there’s nothing around to invoke ‘the clown,’ laugh at your own behind.

I laugh at me all of the time.
I’m quite the clutz when I’m not in rhyme.

Not immune to falling down in public, though I’m quick to get up.
My fitness game is hardly lame, I fall and get up to keep my abs cut!

Now who’s laughing at whom?
Like I said, if I laugh at me – you know I’m-a laugh at you.

So go ‘head and do what you do. Look in the mirror and laugh
Life is only what you make it – less offense – more goofy gas.

.
divider1

Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”  [ref. source: laughfactory.com]

Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do 
Web design.

Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook?
Me: Oh, very easy.
Friend: He doesn’t mean to make 
a Facebook profile. He means to 
remake all of Facebook.
Me: Oh. Very hard.
Father: Oh, OK.
[ref. source: readersdigest.com – credit to: clientsfromhell.net]

tissue-toilet-paper-joke Q. What does Santa like to do in the garden?
A. Hoe, hoe, hoe!

Q: What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A: Holly Davidson.

Q: What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
A: Saint Nickel-less.

Q: Why don’t aliens celebrate Chistmas?
A: Because they don’t want to give away their presence.
[ref. source: funology.com]

Grown Party Humor::

Q: What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?flower-pollenating-sex-joke
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q: What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
A: One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
A: He only comes once a year.
[ref. source: thoughtcatalog.com]

happy divider

It’s the weekend baby! Yes, it’s here again.
Happy Festivus! Go out and kick it with friends.

Good memories are made when you’re with loving folks
and I just armed you with a good array of jokes.

What the L! All is swell – use them and don’t be shy!
But only if you want to be the absolute parties delight!

Alright, some of these jokes are a little risque and some a tad bit strong,
I’m Qui
and they’re all good to me. When dealing jokes – you really can’t go wrong.

What The L!