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Posts Tagged ‘marriage and divorce’

It’s a NEW GAME

In Communication, Griot, Networking, Self Improvement on October 27, 2013 at 4:57 pm
Divorced? Now what? Avoid these three pitfalls after moving on

Divorced? Now what? Avoid these three pitfalls after moving on

Daddy and mommy tried, but couldn’t work it out,” said mom, then she released a dozen of helium balloons into the sky (one for every year they were married), afterwards   she took us out for pizza, coke and a movie. We had a great time, though it felt a little strange, because Dad wasn’t there. However, it was his macho exterior that made us feel confident that he was in control and knew exactly what to do. Today I am an adult and I realize dad had not a clue, but did the best that he could, starting with catching up on his “dating life.”

Last week I found a copy of WEB MD at my chiropractors office that had the most interesting Mens Health article inside about divorced men and thought I’d share it with you. It’s tailored for men, but women, you can  ‘flip it’ to make it work for you if you too, if you are a recent divorcee.

Healthy LIvingAdapting to life after divorce is hard for guys under the best of circumstances. But you can make it easier on yourself, your ex, and your children if you avoid some of the most common mistakes.

Dating Too SoonNewly DIVORCED Dad TIPS
Too many men start dating before the dust has settled on their divorce, says psychologist Sam J. Buser, PhD, co-author of The Guys-Only Guide to Getting Over Divorce and On With Life, Sex, and Relationships. They rush into new relationships — and often new marriages — within the first year. “That’s no doubt the biggest mistake,” says Dr. Buser.

Buser says men jump into dating because they’re lonely, vulnerable, and sad and they’re looking for someone to help them feel better. “The relationships they start do not often work out in the long run,” he says. “I advise my patients to wait at least two years. I’ve never had a man take me up on that advice, but I do try to slow them down.

Isolating Yourself

After divorce, it’s easy for a guy to let himself become isolated, especially if his ex gets custody of the kids. That’s another big mistake. It can worsen feelings of depression, guilt, and loneliness, a potentially dangerous mix. Divorced men are twice as likely to commit suicide as married men.

Buser’s advice: Connect with other guys. Call up old friends. Join a softball team, a club, or a professional network to avoid isolation.” He also says the aftermath of a divorce is a great time to go back to school: Returning to the classroom keeps you active, stimulates your mind, potentially advances your career, and gets you out of the house.

Making Introductions Too Soon

You’ve met someone new. You’re excited and happy. Good for you. Just don’t make the mistake of expecting your kids to be upbeat about the news.

“The last thing the kids want to see is parents getting involved with someone else,” says Gordon E. Finley, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in issues facing divorced men and emeritus professor of psychology at Florida International University in Miami. “they are going to be unhappy. Date when you feel ready, but leave the kids out of it.”

green divider

In my broken home situation, Mom actually remarried first.
While Dad went on to conquer his Casanova thirsts.

Dad ran through his date book until he was in his mid 50’s
He finally settled on one woman and his love life is nifty.

I’m not sure of the percentages of men that rebound too quick,
but Dad wasn’t one of them. His dating game was quite thick.

I, myself am married. I married my high school sweetheart,
and the last 23 years have been a real piece of pleasant art.

I never thought I was the marrying type, but then love ran its full course,
I’m Qui
An encouraging she – divvying tips for the recently divorced.

Put the kids first – divorce doesn’t have to be a definite relationship lame.
Just remember life is to be lived, to be loved and you can master this NEW GAME.

Not wanting to be lonely

In Communication, Griot, Self Improvement on March 4, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Let me start off by saying that I am very empathetic to anyone who is on LIFES JOURNEY without a loving partner in tow. No one wants to be lonely. So what are you going to do about it?

My mother was married to my father for 12 years. They’ve been divorced for more than twice as long. Mom has gone on to marry 3 other men on 4 other occasions. Yep! You guessed it, she married one of the men twice in the event that the annulment was irrational the first time – all in the name of Not wanting to be lonely.

Me on the other hand, I have been with the same guy since 12th grade and being that I’m a few years past 19 … I’d say we’re kind of serious. For me, the relationship maintaining thing is easy. To me – it’s really no different than living with your family, (Parents and siblings). In fact, I think the “adolescent familial lifestyle” goes along way in helping us to prepare for adult hood as it pertains to the rules of relating; defining what is and what is not acceptable.

When my Mom would yell out “Treat others the way you’d like to be treated“, I thought that was a household motto or something. I took it literal. My mom has 4 children and I’m 2 of 4. If anyone’s going to be understanding – it’s the middle child. Right? I had to yield both ways — to the oldest whose schedule was always non negotiable and of course I had to yield to the youngest because they were young and ill flexible by default. I was always trapped… in the middle. The eldest and I shared a bed and more often than not our baby sister would want to feel closer to us – so she too would slumber in the full sized bed with us. Truly all I ever wanted was to be alone. So much so that I told my high school sweetheart I’d never marry and certainly never move in with anyone. I just wanted to graduate high school and get my own place, bed, and space.

We’ve been together since 1989 and happily living together since 1990. And THAT is why you shouldn’t ever say never. lol! I am anything but single. I think my adolescent familial lifestyle helped me out a great deal in learning to cope with others, in being able to easily accept and move on when things didn’t go my way.

Calibrating? Of course. It’s second nature to me. I’m 2 of 4 remember?

Coming from a big family I learned early that there is little room for selfishness. Compromise was and still is in fashion. Compromise is what relationships thrive on. It’s a give and take.

My Mom is still single and so are a great deal of most of my finer friends. Naturally single people look HOT to me. Its a bi product of the whole “GRASS IS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE” thing. I like the way they care for themselves and their tailored single dwelling homes. I often compliment them up one end and down the other for mastering “relating to self”. They graciously accept though before our conversation is said and done, they remind me that they’re lonely — and not by choice.

Are you sure?

Not wanting to be lonely is one thing and choice is another.
You never once divorced your siblings, your father or mother.

Unless of course you’re young Macaulay Culkin.
He divorced his parents for being financially distrustin’.

Not wanting to be lonely seems to be a trendy theme.
Marriages start out blissful then unravels at the seams.

Kim Kardashian and many others surely know what I mean.
Lust rules the day and Love is on the wings?

I don’t know… I’m just grateful for my guys shoulder
and to have someone to love me as I grow older.

Not wanting to be lonely is becoming more important to me.
Could it be – mortality? I am recently turned la sexy 40.

My mom laughs and says, “Girl – you’re a baby and you’ll be okay“.
I’m Qui
Not wanting to lonely
and felt compelled to toss the topic your way.

So what do you say?